


Consequences of being Dick Grayson

by Wingd_Knight



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Nightwing (Comics), Supergirl (Comics), Superman - All Media Types, Teen Titans (Comics), Teen Titans - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Dick Grayson, Babies, Based off a Headcannon, Batfamily (DCU), Calm and Collected heroines, Cohabitating, Crack, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Dick Grayson is Red X, Dick Grayson was Renegade, Dick Grayson was a Talon, Disclaimer: I own the plot and nothing else, Drug-Induced Sex, Extreme AU, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Humor, I Don't Know Where This Is Going, Implied Sexual Content, Jealousy, Making the Best of It, Multi, Not Calm Dick Grayson, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pregnancy, Sex, Siblings, Some bi girls, Superfamily (DCU), Unplanned Pregnancy, Wonder Family - Freeform, difficult conversations, lots of bamfs, please comment, protective father figures
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:47:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25834480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wingd_Knight/pseuds/Wingd_Knight
Summary: Not only does Dick get drugged and set up a poorly considered dinner party but one of his guests brings some falsely advertised wine. Next thing he knows he's waking up in bed with several of the most beautiful women in the galaxy with fatherhood hanging over his head. Batman didn't prepare him for this.
Relationships: Barbara Gordon/Dick Grayson, Dick Grayson/Donna Troy, Dick Grayson/Harleen Quinzel, Dick Grayson/Jade Nyguen, Dick Grayson/Kara Jor-El, Dick Grayson/Kara Zor-El, Dick Grayson/Koriand'r, Dick Grayson/Multi, Dick Grayson/Pamela Isley, Dick Grayson/Rachel Roth, Dick Grayson/Zatanna Zatara
Comments: 13
Kudos: 96





	1. Waking up

Five things rang through Dick Grayson’s the second he regained consciousness. One, his entire body was sore, his head and crotch far more than the rest. Two, he wasn’t in his own bed at home, the Tower, or the manor, nor was he in a medical bunk. Three, he was not even close to being alone in said bed as evident by the two weights on his chest and arms and the clear feeling of indents around the bed beyond him and the two on his chest. Four, he seemed to be wearing his mast and absolutely nothing else save the thin underblanket that went under the bedcovers. Five, the room absolutely  _ stank _ of sex to the point where he couldn’t even find it slightly pleasant or rewarding.

‘ _ Okay so killer headache plus sore groin plus strange bed plus bedmates I don’t remember picking up.’  _ Dick ran the situation through his head _. ‘Did I get drunk and pick up a bunch of bar girls?’  _ That didn’t  _ sound  _ like him, what with his drunk personality not being the least bit seductive and his sex addiction making him want to actually lose himself in the act not forget it completely the next day, but given his current state it seemed the most likely answer- WAIT!

‘ _ Now I remember! _ ’ He silently exclaimed. He had gone after a smuggling crew that was running drugs for Black Mask and to a lesser extent Bane. Hallucinogens and stimulants mostly along with some of Bane’s less potent but longer lasting Venom mixtures that were very popular among the grunts of several cells of major Gotham gangs. Some of them must have been dipping into their own weapon shipments because one of them had started firing incinderaries and had ended up setting a lot of the drugs on fire. Things got hazy after that, he had inhaled more than one lungful of drug filled air and had gone under the multitude of effects quickly. Really he was lucky he didn’t overdose or die.

‘ _ The hallucinogens disconnected my brain, the stimulants kept me moving, and the Venom gave me stamina and kept the other drugs from killing me. I must have fallen back on reflexes, habits, pleasures, and base desires and addictions.’  _ Acrobatics, fighting, calling friends and teammates, eating cereal, sex, high risk infiltration, and thievery of dangerous and secure objects and weapons. A combination of his different stages of life and trainings, the things he learned to enjoy or use as stress relief. He wasn’t hungry and he didn’t feel the familiar ache in his knuckles so his last fight must have been at least twenty four hours and his last meal or snack less than four hours ago.

_ ‘So I’ve been mentally compromised for at least one day but not to the point where I was picked up by law enforcement or heroes or ignored self care. I clearly was in contact with several people in an environment where either sex was encouraged or inhibitions were lowered. I’m not smooth enough to get at least four women in bed at once without some kind of help, not even if I exploited either of my names.’  _ If he had to guess he’d say he had been doing superficial patrolling while in costume until he seduced his current bedmates, food was definitely involved either in the seduction or during the act. Possibly both. If he wanted any more data he needed to open his eyes and face the music.

It took a large force of will to wretch his eyes open but the sight that greeted him when he did instantly sobered up whatever bits of his mind that might have still been under the lingering effects of the drugs he inhaled.

The two weights on his chest were Barbara-- who he noticed was still wearing her cowl/helmet-- and Kori. Neither was a sight that was that uncommon for him to wake up to if he were honest but this was the first time he ever woke up to both at the same time. To his left right past Barbara were Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn, the former of which he had fantasized about but never done more than kissed under duress and the later a woman he had only slept with once before under very unique circumstances. After them he could make out the back of an acrobatic woman of asian descent but since he couldn’t see her face or her full body he couldn’t identify her.

Past Kori on his right was Donna Troy, a dear friend whom he had once had a short lived crush on but nothing more and hadn’t really spoken with in nearing two years tangled up with two blondes that if he wasn’t mistaken were Kara and Karen, Supergirl and her cross dimensional counterpart Powergirl. After them Dick could see two more girls tangled up together, the unique skin and hair coloring that belonged to Raven giving away one of their identities but the pale skin and dark hair he could see wrapped around the half demon didn’t reveal much of his last bedmate.

‘ _ Ten women. At least four of which have superhuman strength and endurance. Two definite hostiles. Two unknowns. Two ex fiances. What the everloving FUCK did I get myself into?’  _ He yelled at himself. The acrobat closed his eyes again and took a moment to recenter himself and make sure his breathing and heart rate didn’t change. He was in a very dangerous environment and one of his best chances of survival was having a plan before he makes a move or one of the girls wake up and to do that he needed to figure out what he was dealing with. He needed to know who the two unknowns were. Depending on how he responded to the drugs his memories of the unknown amount of missing time were either suppressed or possibly non-existent if his mind simply stopped recording. If it was the former then he could recover them and figure things out that way. If it was the latter… he’d figure something out.

He wanted to take deep breaths. He wanted to pace. He wanted to move, set a pattern that he could lose himself in so he could calm down and  _ think. _ Instead he’d have to settle for listening to the three heartbeats pounding against his chest. His own, Kori’s, and Barbara’s. Kori’s was fastest, her physiology and the experiments done to her making her almost half again as fast as an athletic human. Barbara’s was next, her last physical stating it beat at seventy two beats per minute when at rest and from what he could tell that held true now. Then his at sixty four beats according to his own physical. It would have to do.

_ He was sitting on the ledge of a short building. It was daytime but he was in costume. He was on his cellphone. It was Donna. They hadn’t talked or seen eachother in years but their civilian phonenumbers hadn’t changed for far longer. They were laughing about something. Did she not know about his mental state because of the time spent apart or because he was acting sober? They agreed they should meet up sometime. They were free the day after next. _

Well that was something, but it wasn’t really helpful. At least he knew that if he didn’t die today he and Donna were still friends.

_ He was leaning against a tree in a park. Daytime again but not the same day as his call with Donna. Barbara had called him. Over his ‘hero phone’. He had failed to check in after patrol the night before. She was worried. He apologised. He offered to cook her dinner. She accepted. She had been living off takeout for the last week and was afraid Alfred would find out. The next day should work for her. She wouldn’t mind if Donna was there. He better not forget to call in again. _

Well at least that base was covered. A mad Oracle was never good even if none of his active cases needed her help. A mad Barbara just made him feel bad even if it wasn’t his fault.

_ He’s on a roof. Its not his normal patrol route. The building is mostly glass on the outside. It's an office building. He doesn’t know what company or if it's federal. He wasn’t alone. He was going to be late for something soon. There’s a woman. She’s wearing green. Her face is hidden. A white mask. They are talking but she’s ready to fight. He knows her. Both in the mask and out. Cheshire. Jade Nyguen. _

Well that told him who the asian woman to his left was. Lots of missing details but those weren’t important right now. Though he had the feeling that her being Roy’s exwife will be a bigger longterm problem then her being one of the world’s best assassins.

_ Harley was laughing when he threw her onto the bed. She wasn’t wearing any clothes above her waist. He was naked. He’d already gone at least one round, probably three or four. Another woman almost jumped on his back, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Her bare breasts were massive and her nipples erect. It was Karen. A third woman, naked, molded herself into his side. She smelled like grapes and strawberries and oranges. It was Ivy. _

Well… that was interesting. He was going to have to revisit that later.

_ It was the night of the day he talked to Barbara. He was shopping. In costume. People were staring at him from a distance. He was on his civilian phone again. It was Kori. He had called her to talk about normal things. His dinner with Donna and Barbara came up. Real names weren’t used of course. Kori asked if she could come. She wanted to see Donna again just like he did. She mentioned wanting to become friends with Barbara as well. He said it might not be the best idea. She insisted. He asked about the Tower. She admitted things were stressful. He asked if she was the only one who needed an out before things boiled over. She said Raven could use a break from the more rambunctious Titans. He invited both. _

He’d have to remember to be a bit more involved with the Titans, make sure interteam friction was minimized. He did not want a split among the Titans.

_ He and Jade were jumping rooftops. He had to get started on dinner. She had agreed that scaring a liability for a Triad branch could wait another day at least and was going to take some of that dinner. Dinner was going to be at a hotel. Not because of the size of the party. Barbara had called before he met Jade. Harley had met with her. Insisted on a girls’ night. Ivy was coming as well. His ‘hero phone’ rang again. It was Zatanna. Batman had forwarded her to him. Supergirl and Powergirl had some rather persistent stalkers that had learned some magic. They had gone to Zee for help. Her locator spells were being blocked. She needed help tracking them down. Could they meet that night? He was having a dinner party. She should come. Everyone there was part of their community. Kara and Karen should come too. Get away from the city with the stalkers for a bit. In costume would be best. Centaur wine? Sure why not. _

Okay so that was the last mystery girl and the reason for the blondes being there. It also gives an explanation for why all the women there wanted to get naked. Magic wine from Greeks? Probably had minor aphrodisiac like effects. That plus Ivy’s pheromones… 

Well now he knew where he was, why he was there, who was there with him, and why they were there with him. He was also fairly sure what they did… oh shit. This was a hotel. This orgy thing clearly hadn’t been planned. He highly doubted any of them stopped to run to a store once things started to progress. He definitely hadn’t worn a condom. He knew from experience that Barbara was terrible at taking her pill and Kori said they made her feel sick the one time she tried them. The rest were in the air even if he ignored the possible effects of magic wine.

‘ _ In other circumstances waking up like this would be an incredible ego boost. And the memories would be cherished forever.’  _ Too bad that at the moment the only memory he has of the actual sex is throwing Harley on the bed while Karen and Ivy pressed themselves against him. Hopefully he’d be able to recall more when he was in a less dangerous place.

He opened his eyes again, this time taking the time to take in more than just the forms and faces of the women with him. Two medium sized widows with a decent overview of the city. The room was a mess with clothes everywhere, chocolate and strawberry stains, whipped cream splatters, dents in the walls, the chair that came with the room was knocked over backwards, the tv cabinet was half open and a bit splintered. He could see three cellphones propped up in different spots around the room, four runestones positioned like cameras- two each of two different styles-, and three of Barbara’s spy cams which meant either one or three more were in places he couldn’t see from where he was laying down if she kept to her usual patterns with cameras. Maybe he wouldn’t need to recall those memories to relive the drunken reverse gangbang he had been a part of. If any of the girls were feeling kind enough to share the video that is, or if one of those phones turned out to be his. But again, first he had to get out of this alive and preferably unharmed.

“I know you’re awake ‘Wing.” Karen mumbled contently from her resting place samwitching her counterpart between her and Donna. “Your breath hitched a bit when you woke up.”

So much for getting away without being seen. “Be honest PG, am I going to go to heaven permanently because of my visit last night?” He asked in what he hoped was a light hearted joking voice.

The busty blonde hummed, “I won’t be sending you there, and I doubt Supergirl, Troia, Starfire, Zatanna, Batgirl, or Harley will be either given how they were acting last night.”

“That still leaves Ivy, Cheshire, and Raven.” He pointed out.

“Cheshire and Raven are impossible for anyone other than a Bat to read and Ivy is Ivy.” She shot back both teasingly and still sleepily. If he had to guess she was still basking in the afterglow.

He swallowed as heavily as he dared. “Weird thing to ask but, are you on birth control?” He asked.

“Human pills don’t work on Kryptonians and neither Kal or I ever really bothered to rediscover the Kryptonian equivalent.” Her voice now held a small sliver of worry. “Since you asked I’m guessing you never got snipped?”

“I long ago swore to never get any kind of surgery that wasn’t vital to my life.” The idea of being drugged and under the knife had terrified him long before he was even Robin and he hated even going to the dentist to this day. “I’m actually more potent than the majority.”

“...Kryptonians can’t abort when powered by a yellow sun without extreme risks to their lives. And that would be assuming we wanted to.” Which by the tone of her voice at the very least Karen didn’t and expected Kara wouldn’t.

“And both Amazonian and Tameranian culture are incredibly against even considering such.” Dick nodded slightly in acknowledgment about the pregnancy risk. Granted for Amazonians there were some groups on Themyscira who would be more than fine with killing a newborn if it turned out to be a boy, but before birth they were very protective no matter the sex of the child. “Those plus Raven and Harley hating the mere concept means at least six.”

“Only if everyone was unprotected and compatible with human DNA.”

“You all are, even Ivy despite her genetic alterations and mutations. Both the League and the Titans are very thorough when testing blood and genetics.” Funnily enough it was Superman who insisted on that, not Batman.

“Then I guess congratulations are in order huh?” She joked, finally lifting herself up a bit from her resting place.

“Right back at you.”

“You better not propose because of this.” She joked.

“I have a bad track record with fiancees. I think I’m destined for common law or bachelorhood.”

“You are destined for a very full house with at least a few rotating kids. You, Kara and I are going to be living together to raise these kids. The rest are free to join if they want but you don’t have a choice. Fathers are important.”

Dick gave a small huffing laugh. “Guess I’ll be abusing the teleporters from now on to be on time for patrols.” He said as way of agreement.

“I’ll start moving my equipment in tomorrow.” Barbara broke in, revealing her own state of consciousness. “Spoiler or Black Bat can take Batgirl back. Oracle is a better position for a mother anyway.”

“And I shall remove myself and Raven from the field duty rosters if we test positive.” And apparently Kori was awake as well.

“You definitely will. That wine wasn’t Centaur, it was Satyr. That fucking merchant lied to me.” That was Zatanna. He really should just assume they were all awake at this point.

“Getting drunk on fertility wine is not what I was expecting when I agreed to catch up Nightwing.” Donna groaned into Kara’s hair.

“Why is everyone just ignoring the fact that Harley and Ivy will be the mothers of our kids half siblings?” Well apparently Donna’s current pillow had some legitimate concerns that they really should have already thought of. He blamed the hangover.

“Yeah, living my whole life in costume to make sure neither their kids or them learn who I am doesn’t sound appealing.” Barbara joined her friend in worrying.

“There are rituals that will ensure they can’t take any action that would bring harm to family, and if we link it right that would include the mothers and father of their children and said children’s half siblings.” Calm and collected Raven to the rescue. “It’s two way but it would mean we don’t have to hide our identities from each other.”

“I’m in if Pamy is!” How the hell was Harley so energetic right now?

The green woman sighed loudly. “I will agree only if you promise to help with some non-lethal forms of environmentalism I have planned… and that this won’t be a one time thing.” Plant lady was horny. Go figure.

“I’ll agree to the tree saving but I can only promise myself for future sexcapades.” Dick told her.

“I’ll take it. There’ll be plenty of time to get the others to agree anyways.” Well she sure seemed confident in herself. Hopefully that didn’t mean she planned on drugging them when she came to drop off or pick up her and Harley’s kids.

“That just leaves you Jade. You in?” He called over to the last girl in the bed.

The assassin let out a deep hum, “I have been wanting to be a mother again, and being a part of a ‘sisterhood’ that includes several of the most dangerous women in the world and one of the world’s best detectives and assassins could only be good for a kid’s safety and mine if things go bad.”

“...I’m not an assassin.”

“And yet you are still considered one of the best. Also one of the best thieves and small unit tactic developers. The League of Shadows doesn’t forget what those who stand against them can do.” She purred.

He’ll just take that as a compliment and move on. Besides, he was trained as an assassin by Deathstroke, the Court of Owls, and Batman, and was a tried and true thief from his time as Red X so as much as he didn’t like to admit it what the woman said was true.

“Since we are all in agreement.” Barbara groaned, finally pushing herself up from Dick’s chest and as a consequence giving not only him but everyone who wanted one a very lovely view of her pale, slightly glimmering tits, “Zatanna and Raven, you two should get started on that ritual while we are all here. Anyone who wants to join Nightwing, Power Girl, Supergirl, and me in an extra large family home talk to the baby daddy and PG then we can take turns showering. When all thats said and done we’ll order some room service and figure out how we are going to break the news to the League, Titans, Wonderwoman, Superman, and Batman.” The beautiful redhead shot Harley a playful glare, “And before you ask Harley, no you can not join me in the shower. Until the ritual is done and all secret IDs are secured we will be taking the minimal precautions to ensure our safeties.”

Oh yeah, they had to tell Bruce about all this. And Wonder Woman and Superman were going to kill him. Fun.


	2. Spreading the...good?...News.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The binding ritual has been done, their hangovers delt with, and the remains of their clothes found and put on. Now Dick just has to tell his family and friends about his upcoming fatherhood and he can go hide wherever Karen and Zatanna where setting up their 'little' group's new home until he's no longer in danger of being killed by overprotective and/or jealous heroes and heroines. ((I'm ignoring certain bits of current canon such as Alfred being dead and... is Superman still part of the Daily Planet? Whatever, consider things at 'status quo' for the purposes of this story.))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember that this is first and foremost a crack fic. Very little actual planning is going into each chapter at this point so it may read clunkily and not all reactions will be as fleshed out or as funny as they could be.

**The BatFam**

Less than twenty four hours after waking up in what he had briefly thought would be his deathbed Dick took a deep, ragged breath in an attempt to calm himself for what he was about to do, unable to stop himself from looking sidelong at Barbara standing next to him. The two of them had agreed that they would tell Bruce and the rest of the Gotham heroes that worked with the two of them first before he went off to tell Clark, Diana, Roy, and the Titans about what was happening and she went to tell her father, though she would be leaving out the whole magic wine and superheroines and villainesses things. The shock of his baby girl being one of nearly a dozen woman knocked up by one guy- a guy he had long been on the fence about actually liking- all on one night would be enough.

“You ready for this?” He asked his ex fiance.

She gave a determined nod, “Lets get this over with, we both have have other places we need to be today.” Her piece said she grabbed his hand in a grip that betrayed her own nervous state with how tight it was.

Hand in hand the two veterine heroes walked into one of the Wayne Manor’s living rooms where Bruce, Alred, Jason, Tim, Damien, Cass, and Stephanie were already waiting for them. They had called for Duke as well, but he couldn’t make it. Not that it would matter too much, he would no doubt hear all about their news by dawn the next day. Almost as one the occupants of the room looked up towards the two new entrees, all of them no doubt instantly taking in their nervous if happy states and their clasped hands.

“Thanks for being here everyone,” Dick began, his voice strong and steady despite his panic. Bruce was his ‘father’ so he had to do the talking here. He could do this damn it. He had commanded royals in battle, defied demon lords, and pissed off mass murdering psycos on purpose. He could deal with telling his family he had had unprotected sex. “Babs and I have some pretty important news that we wanted to share with you.”

“Oh god, are you two engaged again?” Tim dropped his head down and groaned, likely thinking this was just another engagement announcement. 

Dick’s brows furrowed, “N-no…” his head turned to look at the shorter woman beside him, “We aren’t. Right?” He had assured Karen that he wasn’t going to propose just because the girls were pregnant, but he hadn’t asked any of them their own stances on that decision.

“Not this time.” She shook her head.

Dick nodded and turned back to his family. “No, the reason we called you here is to let you all know that, well…” He cleared his throat loudly and refused to meet any of their eyes. “Babs is pregnant, I’m the father.” That was only a small part of the news of course, but it was more than enough to cause a near uprising.

“The FUCK did you just say!?” Jason gaped, his eyes almost popping out of his head. Stephanie fell out of her chair with a yelp. Cass was blinking faster than a rapid shutter camera. Damien squealed loudly in shock. Tim made a choked gurgling sound. Bruce looked like he was about to faint. And Alfred… Alfred barely blinked at the news.

“Congratulations the both of you.” The old butler gave a small bow to his former charge and the young woman who had long been a staple at the manor.

Dick gave his practical grandfather a small grateful smile, “Thanks Alfie.” He told the refined man, his shoulders finally losing a bit of tension. “But, uh, that’s not all of it.” He admitted.

“There’s  _ more _ ?!” Steph gasped, seemingly recovered from her unexpected trip to the floor. “What they hell compares to  _ that _ ?” Now granted the question wasn’t without founding, usually the announcement of a pregnancy was considered the headliner, not the opening act after all.

“I’m...kinda not the only one who’s pregnant.” Barbara admitted, answering the question in Dick’s stead.

“You mean you also impregnated that alien Harlot?” Damien demanded an answer from his brother and former mentor, “I expected more from you Grayson.” He shook his head in disappointment at the first Robin’s actions.

Poor Bruce looked like he might have died from shock.

“Don’t call Kori a harlot Dami.” Dick admonish his youngest brother, having never liked how he tended to classify many women he didn’t like as ‘harlots’ and men he found wanting ‘pathetic fools’. He really had to learn there were more types of people than just the kind he was raised to fear and respect. “and yes, she and I are also having a child together… but that still isn’t everything…”

By that point even the formally composed Alfred was starting to look like he was being put on his back foot. Apparently one unexpected pregnancy involving a woman that they all knew and saw as practically family was significantly easier to deal with than hearing that a second woman was also involved, and more besides.

“Calling it now,” Jason cut in, throwing his arms up in the air, “Aquagirl, Poison Ivy, or Miss Martian.” He rattled off three names, “Its gotta be a redhead, Dickhead can’t keep his dick in his unitard when a redhead is around.” Which, okay that was rude. He had never even thought about M’gann that way before! And he had only done oral with Tula that one time! Just because he had a thing for red hair didn’t mean he lost all control over himself when he saw a girl with that pigmentation!

“... Pamela Isley is also pregnant.” Dick sighed, “but again, that’s not everything.” He aggressively pointed at the second Robin before he could go off again. “Look just let me tell you all!” He snapped. Seriously this was hard enough as it was, couldn’t they just him talk? He took a deep breath, “In addition to Babs, Kori, and Ivy, Zatanna, Supergirl, Power Girl, Raven, Cheshire, Harley, and Toria are all having children with me and are already pregnant as of yesterday according to Zatanna’s magic.” He revealed hastily, listing off all the remaining girls at once, using their non-civilian names to make sure that they would all know who he was talking about. Unlike him not everyone made it a point to know both identities of all their allies and opponents.

“I,” Bruce finally spoke up, though it was closer to a whisper than his usual far reaching voice, “I sent Zatanna, Supergirl, and Power Girl to you to help them with a group of fanatic fans.”

Dick rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand, Barbara’s own hand still occupying the other, “They decided to stay for dinner and things got… out of hand.” 

“That must have been some dinner.” Stephanie mumbled, clearly not comprehending how things could go from a nighttime meal to ten women of various affiliations and levels of power ending up pregnant by one guy in one night.

“It was more the wine and me being high off my ass.” Dick admitted.

“Wait, you were high and you still got four of the five internationally most sexually desired women in bed with you at once?” Tim asked with cleat awe in his voice.

Oh yeah, Karen, Zatanna, Ivy, and Starfire were all somewhat officially the sexiest women on Earth along with Diana as Wonder Woman… wow when he thought of it like that his situation just got even more absurd. “Well, yeah, and we are all going to be living together on a secret island that Zee and Power Girl are going to make with magic and Kryptonian tech in some kind of mansion that they are also making with the same stuff.”

Jason brought his hands together in front of his nose as if in prayer, breathing in deeply before he responded to that bit of information. “Okay, first, fuck you you lucky fucking jackass man whore bastard. Second, what the hell kind of shit were you smoking and where can I get some? Third, is your life just some kind of trippy wish fullfillment porno now?” Apparently he had reached the point of being one hundred percent done with… everything at the moment.

“Well first, that was hurtful and uncalled for.” Dick began, “Second, I have no idea what the hell I was on so I couldn’t tell you even if it wasn’t incredibly irresponsible to do so. Third, you are under the assumption that the eleven of us will just be taking every new opportunity we can to go at it like rabbits instead of us trying to remain functional enough to continue to live together in order to provide a somewhat stable home for at least ten kids.”

Barbara cleared her throat, “Actually, Kori, Harley, and Ivy all kinda implied we would be.”

“... Oh good gods my life might be a porno.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Superman**

“Hey Clark!” Kara greeted her cousin happily, her, her duplicate, and Dick walking grandiosity onto the top floor of the Daily Planet building, one of the only two floors that are actually dedicated to said paper in the highrise.

“Kara, Karen, Dick.” The currently civilian Superman gave the trio a small nod in response to the greeting, “What are you three doing here?” He asked them.

“Yeah its not exactly family and… godchild I guess day.” Lois Lane-Kent made herself known, walking up behind her husband’s desk.

“Not his godchild. More his pseudo nephew if anything.” Dick corrected her, “And we know. We just have to tell Clark something and thought this would be the best place to do it.”

Clark’s eyes narrowed in suspicion at the declaration. His work being the ‘best place’ to tell him something didn’t exactly sit well with him. It was like they were trying to limit his reactions. “What exactly is this news?” He asked them slowly.

“Promise you won’t freak out.” Karen ordered, “Promise that after we tell you what we have to say you will stay calm, keep sitting right where you are and not go crazy.”

“You aren’t helping to keep me calm Karen.” Clark joked.

“They're both pregnant, I’m the father, there are eight other women in the same boat because of a drunken drug filled orgy we all had together and we are going to live on an uncharted island together.” Dick quickly rattled off. “Bye!” And with that he bolted for the stairs with the two blonde women right behind him.

“WHAT!?” The last son of Krypton bellowed, jumping up from his desk.

“Holy shit!” Lois yelped, almost tripping over her own heels.

“We’ll let you know the sexes when the time comes!” Dick yelled over his shoulder as the door to the stairwell slammed close behind him. They had maybe ten seconds before the legendary hero made his own way to the nearly abandoned stairwell and had the privacy needed to start using his own powers to chase them down, meaning they had maybe two thirds of that to get to the teleporter relay on the roof and get the fuck out of there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Wonder Woman**

“There aren’t any weird Amazonian rituals that involve me possibly dying for knocking up a royal right?” Dick asked Donna nervously as the two of them made their way down the hall towards her sister’s apartment.

“Not for impregnation no. Marriage is meant to include a wrestling match to showcase your worthiness.” Donna assured him, “Worst case scenario is you might have to meet my mother on Themyscira where she might just kill you on principle… or she might pin you and make you give me another sibling.”

That was… actually a pretty awesome thought. The Amazon Queen was incredibly beautiful, like on the same level as her daughters beautiful but blonde instead of raven haired… half the time anyway… he actually had no idea what her natural hair color was.

Donna smacked her friend upside the back of his head, “Stop thinking about having sex with my mother we are about to tell my sister you knocked me up.” She abolished, the two of them stopping in front of Diana’s door. “Let me do the talking.” The younger Amazonian princess ordered as she knocked on her sister’s door.

Dick didn’t get a chance to respond before Diana was already opening the door, revealing her smiling face… well it was smiling for a second at least. As soon as she saw who is was, particularly that Dick was there with her sister, she scowled. “Clark called.”

Well fuck. Guess he’ll die then.

“I expect to be named godmother of your child Donna and Dick is to meet mother before the birth. I will arrange a neutral meeting place but I suggest you wear your armor Richard.”

Oh, maybe not then.

“If mother calls for him to take on the trial of Aphrodite I will not intervene on his behalf, he will fail or pass on his own merit on that day.” She continued, her address quickly reverting back to her sister.

He didn’t know if he should be aroused, scared, or confused at that bit of information. Why the hell would the Amazons have a trial of Aphrodite? Didn’t they originally worship Ares and are currently under the protection of Hera, Athena, and Hestia? Damn it he really should have asked Donna more questions about her people. He really wanted to know what the hell he was in for.

Diana turned back to Dick, “I must ask you to leave us Dick.” She said primly, her identity as a princess shining through, “Donna and I have a great deal to speak about that concerns us as sisters and Amazons and since you two are unwed it would not do for you to take part at this time. You may ask her for any details that concern you later.”

The acrobat gave a grateful nod and hurried away, barely pausing to give Donna a supportive squeeze on her shoulder before he left. He was being given an out to get away from the terrifying vintage that was the most competent super powered female warrior known to mankind when he was in her crosshairs and he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to take it. Plus he was leaving before she gave him any permanent injury, mental trauma, or a fear boner. Bonus!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Roy**

“I can’t believe its been almost a year since the three of us did something like this.” Wally chuckled into his beer, he and the other two ‘OG sidekicks’ having met up at a sports bar in Star City at the request of the youngest of their number.

“Yeah, work has been a bitch.” Roy agreed as he threw some of the free pretzels in his mouth. “How are things with Linda and by the way? They adjusting to things okay?” He asked the Speedster, referring to the other redhead’s wife getting her memories from a previous timeline back and his two kids from an unstable dimension coming to live with him on their own Earth.

Wally shrugged, “Better than you might expect all things considered. Though Linda started studying up on psychology and self help stuff after I told her what happened at the Sanctuary… I really am sorry about that Roy.” The Fastest Man Alive winced at the memory of his actions back then.

The archer waved him off, “We’ve all done a lot of fucked up shit over the years, and I’m fine now so no harm no foul.” He turned to face the suspiciously quiet third member of their little party. “What about you Dick? There a reason you called us here or did you just miss my beautiful face?” He joked.

Dick gave a small chuckle, “As much as I have missed you guys thats not why I called you both here.” He admitted, “I actually have some news that I wanted to tell you both… but before I do that I have a request to make.”

Wally looked at his friend with concern, “What is it Dick?”

“I need you two to switch seats. I can’t be sitting next to Roy when I say this.”

“You realize how suspicious that makes you sound right?” Roy asked seriously, though he did get up and switch seats with his other friend.

“Yeah well… I knocked up ten women yesterday night, including Babs and Kori…” He began.

“Damn man you really are a ho!”

“How in the hell did you pull that off?” The two redheads with him exclaimed at the same time. “Also why did I have to move my seat for that?”

“...because one of the other eight girls was Jade.”

“...”

“...”

“Before you kill me I would like to point out that you fucked my ex fiance back when you thought she had amnesia.”  **((AN: I didn’t actually read that run of Outlaws. Did Roy actually have sex with Starfire and did she actually have memory loss? I have heard that she was faking it for some reason.))**

“... I’m not going to kill you. If you were within arm’s reach I’d break your jaw but I’m not going to kill you.” Roy sighed, rubbing at the loose skin under his eyes with one hand, “Jade and I… we buried that part of our lives with Lian. Hell even before that in some ways.” He gave a humorless chuckle, “Don’t get me wrong I’m incredibly pissed off, but give me a few days and I’ll start calling you a man whore again and we can move past all of this.” He stood up from his seat and began walking toward the door, not sparing his old friend a single glace. “Congratulations on your upcoming fatherhood. There really is nothing like it, believe me.” He said sadly, his eyes unseeing as he thought of days long past. And just like that he was gone, the door to the bar swinging shut behind him.

Wally sighed, setting down his now empty mug. “I’m gonna go talk to him. I’ll see you later Dick.” Wally gave him a pat on his shoulder before quickly following after the shaken archer.

“That went about as well as I could expect I guess.” Dick hung his head down.

“Bros don’t fuck a bro’s ex.” The bar tender grunted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to do one more scene where Dick goes to the Island he and the girls are going to be living at for the first time, but the scene I had in mind for that didn't fit the tone of how his interaction with Roy and Wally ended so it got scrapped. From here on out there will be a lot of casual nudity and teasing, but if you want actual sex scenes you will not be finding them here. Maybe I'll write a different story sometime that involves Dick getting it on with a bunch of women but this story is for crack and humor, not smut. Nevertheless, I hope you have enjoyed it so far and please leave a comment down below. See you all next time!


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